I can try to explain but you wouldn't understand. Sometimes the weight is so heavy. There aren't words to explain where it hurts at but, it hurts. Is it all in my mind? Maybe it's my soul. It's dark and being the person I am most often, I like the dark but this dark is different. It's hopeless and the absence of hope is a very slippery, dangerous slope. The absence of hope negates the very reason for existence and if I start thinking like that, there's no telling where that ride can take me. I know what you're thinking if you know what I'm saying. No, I am not suicidal, never have been and never will be, sanity prevailing. If I were gonna go out, I am trying to take a bank and going out blasting. (no innocents or civilians) That's another blog though.
The other day I was watching is program on PBS called "This Emotional Life" and I think it's something everyone should see. It's this modern investigative special that explores our minds, depression, happiness, and just our overall mental well being. Anyways, as I was watching it, I thought back to when these feelings began in my life and it probably started around the time I was 13, when my cousin Brian passed away. The thing is, I really don't know why. I feel like I am a pretty logical, realistic person and I understand that death is a part of the cycle of life. I try to always be in the moment and not take a minute for granted, because I know, understand, and respect that life is short. I feel like I have made my peace with him being gone. It's been like 19 years. Still, maybe I need to ask my mother about how I was before then, but that's about as far back as I can rememeber it being how it is.
Ok..I am getting tired of writing and thinking about this so....To be continued (maybe)
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